I may have lived with married parents. This is true. But since the age of 5, I knew that something was wrong. My parents screamed at each other at least once a week and I remember writing notes to my mother, begging her to stop the arguing. Then, by the beginning of 2009, my dad forced my mom to sell most of her belongings, and all of the toys and fun things my sisters and I had, then we were uprooted from our family in Wisconsin: my cousins, grandparents, uncles, aunts... Everybody. That part of my life I will never get back. I was never able to establish relationships with my family and it hurts me even more today. All of that time could've been used to establish a loving relationship with my cousins, Ashley and Jenna, and more time with my grandfather, who I will not see again for a very long time. 

     All of that time lost, just to live on the road in a RV for 5 years. My mom being miserable, not allowed to pursue her passion for music or even look presentable and have nice clothes or makeup. Whenever I established relationships with kids my age, we were uprooted again and most of the time never saw those friends again. The family we did happen to travel with who had a girl my age, my best friend, dropped me everytime another girl our age showed up. I was the fat, stubby, tomboy little girl that other girls didn't want to associate with upon first sight. They always went after my best friend, the girl with long, curly hair who was skinny and pretty. This happened repeatedly, and a lot of times I ended up crying it out but always went back to my best friend when the other girls were gone, because other than my sisters, I had no one. 

     My dad moved us from state to state: California, Montana, Louisiana, Pennsylvania, Texas; the list could go on. I always dreaded when we would pack up and leave every 4 months, because my parents would end up arguing again, and I had no where to go when that happened. One instance when I was 8 years old, my parents were arguing while traveling through a desert in Arizona, and my dad slammed on his brakes on the interstate, got out of the RV and slammed the door, breaking it. My mom wanted to leave, but we had no where to go. We were trapped... And had to tough it out the rest of the trip. Instances like this continued repeatedly... I've never been able to see my parents actually do anything lovingly, and I don't know what a loving relationship is supposed to look like. I will live with that forever, and I can't change it. 

     I'm afraid of commitment, because I don't want to get heartbroken and I don't want to hurt the person I'd be with. When I was 12 years old I made the decision I would not get married ever... I don't need anybody, just myself. I strived to be unstoppable and an inspiration to others who wanted to achieve their goals. I believed that having a partner would slow me down and serve as a distraction from my ultimate goals. People told me I'd end up being lonely, but I've already dealt with loneliness for years, so nothing much would change. At least, this was my mentality in the past.

     Fast forward to now, I did end up being lonely. I felt empty as of the summer of 2019. Prior to that I was that unstoppable person that wouldn't let anyone bring me down. I was qualified for a national competition for dance, got top 8 at one competition and was the second highest scoring in my studio at the next. I went to state solo & ensemble at UW-Stevens Point for singing and scored well, considering how self conscience I am about my voice. I was getting up there. However, I started working with a bunch of guys over that summer, and yes, it got me out of my comfort zone, but the guys closer to my age made me feel like an idiot for how clueless I was about more sexual topics. Prior to this I only focused on achieving goals, but then the fact I was clueless and a virgin brought my confidence level down. I felt that every girl my age already knew certain things, but I did not. I felt like an outsider again, and my self esteem went significantly lower. It also doesn't help the fact that every guy who went after me brought up sexual topics first whenever we talked. My ex even made me feel ashamed about the fact I am a virgin and that I was clueless, and pushed myself into doing things I instantly regret now. 

     After my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, I went back to my best friends, and wanted to go back to focusing on dance and my girlfriends completely, like how I had in the past few years. However, I come back and I'm treated like I don't exist. I mess up in dance class or do something across the floor, and then people started whispering. I say something in class, and then more whispering. I come into the room and there is whispering. Eventually I confront my friends because they started to gossip about the guy I like... Who is my best friend as well. They started false rumors right in front of me in my hearing, claiming that they are trying to look out for me so I don't make stupid decisions, but my so called "closer friends" talking about someone I care about in a bad manner only hurt me more. 

     What really crossed the line was when my best friend... Who was close to me since I was 11 years old, started a rumor that I called her a slut, and everyone on my dance team including her and my other best friend to completely shut me out. These people that shut me out confronted me about the scars on my arm, that I did because I hated myself for losing them because of my ex (or so I thought), and I felt I had no one to go to. I told them why I did it, only to be shut out again and told that I did something I didn't do (calling my best friend a slut). My other best friend said that our friendship was toxic because I came up to her for all my problems, and I was a burden to her. 

     I get it... The fact that I tell the people I trust my problems or how I feel can be a burden, and I'm working on that. The last thing that I want is to be a burden to someone so much that I'm annoying, and they don't want anything to do with me. It has happened so much, and it's all my fault. When I am upset like this or in a dark place, dance was always my getaway. I'd go to dance and dance my ass off with hip hop, tap, or even contemporary and I always felt better. But now I can't even use dance as a getaway because I want to cry everytime I step into the studio, look at the people I was once close with and miss that. I go to alcohol and get myself drunk, but that only makes it worse. I burn myself, but it only leaves scars that I'll look back on and always remember why I did it. I want to go back to dancing my anger and sadness out, but I don't know how to when I feel unwanted and irrelevant there. 

     Before all of this between my dance team I went to dance to get away from my homelife of my parents always arguing. Sophomore year my mom was trying to leave my dad, resulting in picking sides. My two sisters and my dad were against my mom, and I defended her. I helped her fight on when she wanted to give up. I had to play in between parents. When my dad was at a low point, I talked him out of it and vice versa with my mom. I needed my mom out of there because I couldn't stand seeing her verbally abused by my dad anymore after 16 years. He began to say that I was too fat to be a dancer, or called me a "smug little bitch" everytime I defended my mother. He said that I took away all of their money so that I could pursue my stupid dream that would never happen and I took everything away from my sisters. That I was entitled. I worked my ass off in order to pay as much as I could so he wouldn't have to. I would go to the dance studio even when I didn't have to work or have class just so that I could get out. I would still do that, but I can't even use dance as a getaway anymore because it hurts me to even walk into the studio and see the people that I once had good memories with. 

     All of this that I feel should be irrelevant... It's not even a big deal. I don't know why this all hurts me so much to the point of physically hurting myself and wanting to leave. I've always been self critical and hard on myself, but this is another level. I just want to go back to when life was easy and I was surrounded by everyone who cared about me instead of feeling like everyone is against me. I want happiness and I want to be content again, but I don't know how to be. Not right now at least. The only time I feel happy now is when I hang out with my best friend... My ex's best friend, and when I perform on stage in front of everyone and block the rest of the world out. I've let too many people get close to me and I trust them with my life, and it has backfired every single time from when I was really little until the present. I just want to be better... That's all I ask for.